I was thinking: Those bastards are taking Conan away from us! What will we do now?

In the final moments of his tenure at the “Tonight Show,” Conan came across as a pretty cool guy. And it didn’t matter if I was a viewer before, because now I was rooting for him. I actually felt nostalgic for a show I had never seen.

NBC’s corporate douchebaggery has made Conan a folkhero. This whole mess has mobilized his fans, sort of like how all these celebs come out when a country is hit with an earthquake. Like Haiti, Conan, too, was hit by a natural disaster, NBC. So support Coco. Help him rebuild.

When Conan mounts a new show this fall I’ll make sure I watch. Fuck NBC! I’m with Coco. Or, thank you, NBC, you’ve given me something to look forward to watching on FOX in the fall.

But a definite fuck you to whomever cancelled “The Greatest American Hero.” That was an awesome show.

1) THE NEW ORIGINALS
It didn’t do Native Americans any good either, but the Wonder Twins were here first — and that should count for something. They made their debut in 1977, way before anyone ever heard of robots transforming into cars or toasters. When the kids of the ’70s thought of transforming, they thought of those alien teenagers from the Superfriends. The Transformers first appeared in 1984, but by then the Wonder Twins were already well along the path to obscurity.

2) VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE
The Wonder Twins could transform into anything — as long as it was a form of water or an animal. Zan (the male twin) could take the form of a snowball, a glacier, Perrier, even weather patterns. Jayna could transform into any animal, whether real or mythical. The mighty Transformers usually transform into only one other form, like a car or a cassette player. I think a kangaroo and a frozen bowling ball trumps an F-15 Eagle any day.

3) SIDE-KICKS
It’s been proven time and time again, a pet space monkey is cooler than some kid named Spike. Gleek not only provided comic relief; he conveniently provided a bucket whenever Zan took the form of watery substances. Otherwise, who knows how many lawsuits would have been brought against the Justice League by people slipping on Zan.

4) CATCHPHRASES
“Wonder Twin powers, activate!” This was more than a catchphrase, these were the magical words that allowed Zan and Jayna to transform. The line has taken on a life of its own and is more popular than the Wonder Twins themselves. Compared to the fabulousness of the Wonder Twins catchphrase, the Transformers’ “Autobots, transform — and roll out!” is, well, unfabulous.

I heard all the raves and the hyperbolic statements, like ” ‘Paranormal Activity’ is the most terrifying movie you’ll ever see,” or some crazy thing along those lines. So Saturday I went to see the movie, which was reportedly made for $15,000. And what I saw did scare the hell out of me…because I realized that all the hype was complete bullshit — and if it was authentic, then the world is full of idiots who have no idea what a good movie is.

“Paranormal Activity” was the most boring, un-terrifying movie I ever sat through. The rest of the audience obviously felt the same, as halfway through, people began blatantly talking on cellphones or to each other, and no one cared — not even me, and I hate when people do that in a theater. It took thirty mind-numbing minutes or so for the first scary moment to occur: a bedroom door creeks. That’s followed by such terrifying moments as a loud bang, footsteps, an even louder bang. During one of the movie’s supposed “big moments,” the audience actually burst into laughter. After the movie, we all filed out of the theater feeling ripped off, with a number of people saying out loud what a horrible, worthless movie we had just sat through. If “Paranormal Activity” scared you at all, it is probably because you have never seen another horror movie in your life. Or you think ladybugs are scary.

“Paranormal Activity” is as exciting as watching people sleep. Why is that? Because most of the movie takes place as the terrorized couple — Katie and Micah — sleeps.

This movie, which felt like a cheap online student film, has been getting such insane Internet buzz that it came out of nowhere and landed at No. 1 at the box office over the past weekend. Really? Really? Come on, really? I have to applaud DreamWorks for mounting what must be one of the greatest marketing schemes in history — and obviously paying off plenty of reviewers and 12-year-olds to talk the movie up on Twitter and Facebook.

Don’t believe the hype: “Paranormal Activity” is a snooze fest. The Internet has lied to us again. (Save your money and instead rent “Drag Me to Hell.”)

Hey there

Xenites will gather June 1st, 2nd, and 3rd at the Crowne Plaza Meadowlands Hotel in Secaucus, New Jersey for the annual Xena Convention. Headlining the weekend’s activities will be Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle), on stage together and separately on Saturday (for the first time in New York). Also appearing throughout the three-day celebration will be Brittney Powell (Brunnhilda), Alexandra Tydings (Aphrodite), Charles Keating (Zeus), Meighan Desmond (Discord/Sturgina), and Steven L. Sears (co-executive producer).

There will be special behind-the-scenes footage, on-stage presentations, trivia and costume contests, a charity breakfast, plus a merchandise emporium featuring licensed merchandise developed through NBC Universal. General admission tickets will be available at the door for $30 on Friday and Sunday, and $45 for Saturday. Tickets for children 6 to 12 are $20 each day and kids under 6 are free. For more information, visit creationent.com.

And if that isn’t enough, you can catch Lawless performing at The Canal Room in New York City. Following a sold-out gig earlier this year at The Roxy Theatre in Hollywood, her New York concert at the Canal Room is close to selling out, too. The performance is scheduled for three performances, May 31st, June 1st, and June 2nd.

Lawless finished a close second on the recent Fox series “Celebrity Duets,” in which she performed with musical icons Smokey Robinson and Dionne Warwick. Lawless says, “I’ve become a junkie for live performance. I can’t get enough and I can’t give enough.”

At her New York shows, she’ll sing songs by Etta James, Nina Simone, Crissy Hynde, and Melissa Etheridge, plus some of her own work.

Premium seating for the New York show is now sold out, but general tickets are available for $89. They can be purchased at the Canal Room office or by calling 212-941-8100 212-941-8100. Doors will open at 7:30 PM. For more information, call Creation Entertainment at (818) 409-0960 (818) 409-0960 or visit creationent.com.

1 | OPTIMUS PRIME (Transformers)

Optimus isn’t just a damn truck. Aintcha heard, junior? He’s a robot in disguise. That makes Optimus Prime twice as cool as these other mere mortal trucks. How do you compete with a semi-truck equipped with a big-ass gun? Plus, he could kick any of these other guys’ tailpipes with one hand tied behind his back. However, I always thought the coolest thing about Prime was his deep, authoritative voice. But then I learned that Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime) is also the voice of Eeyore. So I can’t watch Winnie the Pooh without thinking, “Eeyore is freakin’ Optimus Prime!” Consequently, Eeyore has now become cooler than Tigger, but still not as cool as Piglet.